Dr Darryl's Blog

It's that time of the year. The time for those New Year Resolutions.

As one year closes and another opens, somehow or other, we feel that we ought to finally do something about that....(fill in the blank).  Maybe it sounds like issues to do with weight / fitness / debt level / poor family relationship / not being organised etc. etc.

But few resolutions ever really happen because there is no "stickbility." So, how do you get traction?

There needs to be the setting of clear and realistic goals. "I want to lose weight" just won't cut it. How much weight by when? Secondly, map out and plan how to do it. A gym membership? A personal trainer? Buy a walker? Go for a walk with a friend three times a week? Work out a food plan? Thirdly, what rewards and punishments will you give yourself as you proceed? Fourthly, who will keep you accountable (because we have a habit of fooling ourselves). Finally, be prepared to adjust your plan as you go along because you learn so much on the journey.

For more information see the article in "The Advertiser" at:

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/south-australia/if-at-first-you-dont-succeed/story-e6frea83-1226232869660

The reporter rang and asked what did I thought of swearing? More to the point, what did I think of the increased, continued and blatant use of swearing in all aspects of life?

It's an interesting question and it exemplifies two main principles.

First, the continued use of swearing in the media for example, including television, the movies, the written press and so on gives permission for many of us to use such language in our own lives. If "they" do it, and I also see my friends or acquaintances do it, then it must be okay for me too. Hence, we all start to become desensitised; in other words, we simply get used to it. This is dangerous. Simply because we hear it often, and by numbers of people in different contexts doesn't make it right.

Secondly, this is a prime example of how the thin edge of the wedge becomes an avalanche. Yes, it might seem prudish in the beginning to complain about the use of swearing in various television programs, or it might seem to be ultra-conservative, but it starts somewhere and the thin edge of the wedge needs to be complained about. Open a crack and over the years (even a decade or so) and the flood-gates open. Then it's too late.

Interestingly, the reporter also asked, what do we do about it now?

How do you plug the dyke? When the dyke breaks, it's useless trying to put your finger in the dyke.

It's a lesson in early intervention. Yes, you might be labelled prudish or something similar, but who wants a general lowering of standards for our community?

You can see the article here:

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/ipad/who-gives-a-about-swearing-anymore/story-fn6bqvxz-1226224458063

Sometimes it is true that some families ought not to get together at Christmas.

Why? Well, with families being families, there is always that "unfinished" business punctuated with anger or resentment that arose over some issue or conflict that has never really been resolved. Maybe it was a little thing or maybe it was a big thing. Maybe it happened to you or maybe it happened to someone else in the family. But it happened.

Sadly, when these families get together over Christmas and alcohol for example, comes into play then, the inhibitions are put aside and people say and do things that ordinarily they probably wouldn't.

So, if you're getting together this Christmas and there's that Uncle or Aunt or cousin that is bound to be there too, think seriously about how you want to act and be. Is it really worth trying to score or square up? Is it really worth putting a barb into that conversation?  What will it take for you to be civil or polite? You don't have to engage in endless chit-chat with them, but think about how you want to approach them.  Yes, I realise that underneath, you may want to strangle them, but how could you really be instead?

The reported from "The Advertiser" interviewed me on this topic.

You can view it at:

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/ipad/controlling-those-festive-cheers/story-fn6br97j-1226224509972

 

There is a Jesuit saying that goes, "Give me a child until he is seven and I'll show you the man." In other words, the early days of a child determines their life. Harsh words? Too prescriptive?

 When I was a Director of a Unit for children with severe behaviour problems back in the 1980's, I produced a research paper showing that failure to intervene with children who were aggressive and violent only led to juvenile delinquency and later adult offending. (Cross, D.G., Sweeney, J., & Eiserle, E. (1986).  Conduct disordered children:  1. A review.  Records of the Adelaide Children's Hospital, 3, 244-249;  Cross, D.G., Sweeney, J., & Eiserle, E. (1986).  Conduct disordered children:  2.  The Child & Family Centre function and program.  Records of the Adelaide Children's Hospital, 3, 250-257.)

Yes, a waste of a life and a huge cost to the community in so many ways.

Then there it was.

When I was in London for a conference in September, the newspaper headline said it all; "Quarter of those charged over riots had already committed ten offenses." (Evening Standard, 15.9.11, Page 6). These were referring to the London riots. It went on to say, that "a quarter of people charged over the London riots were 'hardcore' criminals...who had carried out 16,598 earlier crimes." A total of 26% had served a previous jail term. Nearly 5% had at least 50 offenses on their record. Certainly too, there were around 27% who had no criminal record and who, for whatever reasons were caught up in the mania.

Irrespective, the statistics are sobering. We've always known that "from little things, big things grow" and that includes people and their behaviour...including aggressive, violent and criminal behaviour.

When will we take the lesson and undertake early intervention with young children (prevention is better than cure) or else, if the leopard won't change it's spots, then keep the leopard in the cage? What do you think?

 

On Sunday last (9th October), I had the privilege of arranging the book launch of the book by Thao Te as narrated to me titled, "Refugee to Restaurateur: The Amazing Survival Story of Thao Te." It took a little over 3 years to finally come to publication, but it was worth it. About 70 guests crowded into the Regent Thai restaurant and were treated to Coffin Bay oysters, cold rolls, spring rolls and other delights washed down with champagne and wine.

But the real essence of the launch was the revealing story of how "Te," as he is known, survived the Khmer Rouge and the killing fields. He could have died any number of times. He experienced starvation, fear, shootings, interrogation, separation from his family in ways that we can never imagine.

Te believes that some spiritual force must have been overshadowing him; there seems to be little other explanation. A refugee to Australian in 1982, he came with nothing and over time built up his credibility and expertise to now own and run a restaurant with his wife Sanom.

It is an incredible story -- an inspiring story.

As we sit back and take for granted what we have in our society, as we moan about the minor things in life, this story helps to remind us that life is a gift and needs to be wisely lived and fully lived.

This book is available on www.amazon.com -- you can see it at:

http://www.amazon.com/Refugee-Restaurateur-Amazing-Survival-Story/dp/0980610192/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318416562&sr=8-1 

Early August has seen unprecedented rioting in the UK, first in London and then spreading to other parts such as Birmingham and Manchester. But this was rioting and looting with a difference; a big difference. Yes, it might have been started by the police shooting of a drug dealer in Tottenham, but the rioters in other parts of England had no concern for that particular situation.

Now that the carnage and anarchy has subsided, the real questions are being asked.

Note the following. This rioting was not restricted to any one class or ethnic group. The English press are reporting that the daughter of a millionaire has been arrested for rioting and looting as has an 18-year old young woman who has been chosen as an Olympic ambassador.

What does one speculate? There are deep cracks in the English society from the top to the very bottom. The UK Prime Minister David Cameron called it a sick society. He's right.

And let's not kid ourselves that it won't happen here, because it will.

See the article http://www.drdarryl.com/AnnouncementRetrieve.aspx?ID=55073

And what's the remedy for a "sick' society?

See the article http://www.drdarryl.com/AnnouncementRetrieve.aspx?ID=55074

And the News Report from "Today Tonight" on Wednesday 10^th August; see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ3FCts6CE4

 

It was only a small article in "The Advertiser" (Tues, 19th July, 2011), but it caught my eye.

A survey in the United Kingdom found that most of us lose patience after just 2.5 minutes. At that point of 150 seconds, 60% of us began to show obvious signs of annoyance such as muttering and shifting around, and at 5 minutes, half of the 3,000 adults questioned walked away from a queue such as in the Post Office, waiting for a train, or trying to get into a bar because they felt the anger mounting.

Interestingly, one in three rant at strangers if they are made to wait. And 1 in 6 adults admitted to having a row with a shop assistant.

The triggers that get our dander up include the following:

• a slow internet connection
• slow drivers
• traffic jams
• friends who are always late
• waiting at home for a delivery
• bad spelling
• trying to get an appointment with the GP or dentist
• struggling to get the bill in a restaurant
• people spending too long in a public toilet

So there you have it.  What would it take to find more tolerance in such situations (because one thing is certain, they are going to continue!)?  What's the point in getting so uptight? What does it solve exactly?

All that happens, is that because we have an expectation that the world is just waiting for us to appear so that we can be immediately served, is that when this unrealistic expectation does not eventuate, we huff and puff. To what end?

When you get caught in a queue or are held up, talk yourself down (and not up), and use the time to check your emails, send a message, read your ipad or iphone, or think about the life you lead. Do anything but waste your energy on needless negative emotions.

Do yourself a favour, and get a grip.

Dr Stephen Covey wrote in his book "The 8th Habit" that "We live in a Knowledge Worker Age but operate our organisations in a controlling Industrial Age model that absolutely suppresses the release of human potential [bold type mine]" (Page 15). Just substitute the word "schools" for "organisations" and you have it.

Our schools were originally designed to put students in rows in order to learn to read and write so that they could move off the farms and into the factories for the Industrial era. Not much has changed really. Sad, but true.

We wonder why our adolescents are dis-engaged with school, why the truancy rate is high and why adolescent depression is at an all-time high.

In fact, the issue is so problematic that our enlightened bureaucrats and politicians have seen the need to legislate for children to stay longer at school. Really?  Ever thought about changing the system so that teens might actually enjoy the experience?

How? View the work of Salman Khan where he uses video to reinvent education -- see http://blog.ted.com/2011/03/09/lets-use-video-to-reinvent-education-salman-khan-on-ted-com/

Or perhaps you'd like to review the work of one of Australia's leading educators, Dr Tim Hawkes, the Headmaster of The King's School in Sydney -- see "The Failure of Schools to Educate" http://www.kings.edu.au/about/documents/The-failure-of-schools.pdf

I recall that my very first article that I wrote for the popular press back in the late 1980's was about something we called the "Inferiority Complex." I wrote it because I saw so many people who doubted themselves, felt under-confident, and felt like they didn't measure up. The issues however haven't changed. All that has changed is that we've altered the name to "Self-Sabotage."

In fact, I observe that as life has become more hectic (since about the mid 1970's), and we've become more stressed and "time poor," that somehow or other we've also gotten "better" at self-sabotage. It has so become so common-place in my coaching practice, that I finally wrote the book last year.

It's available as a download at http://www.howtostopselfsabotage.com/confidence/index.htm OR it's on amazon at http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Dr+Darryl+Cross&x=0&y=0

We owe it to ourselves not to settle for second best...

I recently came across a unique proposition by a nutritionist (Jane Cole-Hamilton) from Ontario in Canada. In order to relieve stress, you need to know which brain hemisphere is stressed. Note the following:

If you feel depressed or emotional overwrought, your stress is in the right hemisphere -- the creative, emotional, holistic side.
The remedy? Switch to your matter-of-fact left hemisphere by doing maths, writing factual prose or organising. The emotional right brain will calm down.

If you feel time-stressed and overburdened, the left hemisphere is involved.
The remedy?  Switch to your right brain by singing, playing music or playing sport.

Maybe it's worth a try next time...